Going deeper In Relationships part 2

Hello again, Hope all is well out there. Here are some more thoughts on developing deep relationships in our lives.

ARE WE REALLY CONNECTED?

Stats: 90% of all American Students have cell phones
85% on facebook
95% on internet.
150 Million people world wide are facebook users

These stats are from Steve Douglas The President of Campus Crusade For Christ International. These are mainly statistics that reflect the habits of university students but I think that this cross section is representative of our society as a whole. We are the most “connected” generation of all time but do we really have deep relationships? Are we really any closer on a genuine relational level? Maybe we are further apart then we ever have been because these technologies give us the sense or appearance of connectedness many times at the expense of genuine depth in relationship. In fact, if we pour ourselves into checking our emails, texting each other and updating face book then our energy may be diverted away from generating and maintaining real deep relationships.

Do we really think that our "Twitters" and our cryptic text languages equate real interaction and connection with each other? Not that these applications are necessarily bad but we really have to ask ourselves the question does it mean that I am truly more connected because I have conversations with people about what I ate for dinner or what I did today? These applications, in my opinion, just expand the breadth of our networks but do nothing to extend the depth of our individual relationships. Now I'm not saying that there aren't people out there on the net who start at this level and go deeper. But true depth in relationship now, as has been the case for thousands of years before the WWW, comes when people make the conscious decision to explore that depth. When true depth is sought out and explored people break away from the superficial sarcasm that floods the social utility world and meet together for coffee or pick up the phone and have a real conversation.

We all have relationships. That’s not the question I want to examine today. The question I want to probe is do we have deep relationships? We can know all the stats and figures and history of somebody but still not really know them. Men and women are historically known for not really getting each other.

So many books have been written about this subject maybe you recognize some of these titles. “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” Or the latest one that I still want to get “Men are boxes, women are spaghetti.” These titles and all kinds of other media demonstrations are pervasive with this sense and maybe even frustration we have with the reality that we don’t really understand each other all that well.

Do we really know each other? Not just men and women but all of us as people in general. Going deeper in our relationships is a quest and a commitment to really know each other. Do we really do that? Do we really want to? Do we really want others to really know us? These are difficult questions that must be asked.

DEFINING GOING DEEPER

What are your relationships based on?

Common interests or doing things together (men)
Secret keeping
Role playing
Loyalty
Having fun (laughing together)
Obligations, commitments

These things aren't bad ingredients to have in a relationship. The problem is that all too often these things are the relationship. In other words these characteristics take the place of true depth. Rather than being the fruit or the result of solid relationships they become the substance and overall purpose of our relationships.

We have so many platitudes and descriptions of what meaningful relationships should be. And expectations, I love it when I hear single people describe their idea of a perfect marriage in simple terms like “I want a husband who I can laugh with” or “I want a wife that looks like a supermodel.” Marriage and any significant relationship is much more complicated than just platitudes, expectations and descriptions.

What does it mean to go deeper in relationships? Notice I used the phrase "Going Deeper" as my title. Relationships are organic. They cannot be forced or rushed. They have to grow and develop and evolve organically. They are living.

Let’s consider Ephesians 4:16 “From whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does it’s share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.” Paul refers to the Church of Christ as a living organic body made up of real people. A body is a living thing not a mechanical system. It has systems and it has organization in order to perform and function correctly but it is first and foremost living. In our relationships we can only go deeper together.

Going deep is an effort made by both parties in a relationship. It is a locking of arms and a commitment to discover, explore and experience life together. It only comes as a result of time and intentionality. It does not happen by quick clicks of the mouse or texting shallow little messages to each other constantly.

Now, I think that forwards are OK when they are useful but some people never send a real email they just send forwards. We try to force connection with gimmicks, “email this forward to ten people in the next ten minutes or the chain will be broken.” Genuine relationships can not be forced.

Real deep relationships are formed when two people lock arms and are heading in the same direction. This is a much better visual of true depth in relationships than the joining of hands. When you’re arms are locked your hearts are connected. let’s ponder Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 especially vs 12. “two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall one will lift up His companion, but woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again if two lie down together they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

These verses outline the obvious advantages of deep relationships. We are stronger together than alone. We all understand that. But let’s look at vs. 12… “A threefold cord cannot be broken.” The threefold cord is you the other person and God. A deep relationship is about connecting, interconnecting, locking arms and having a common battle to fight. And when God is the third cord the relationship is strong enough to withstand anything.

Going Deeper in relationships

Ah February, the month when we are thinking about love and relationships and all things gooey and smushy. There, now that I have made my mandatory joke (which is indicative of my discomfort with relationships) we can move beyond the disclaimer. In all seriousness, I do think that Valentines Day is a great time of year to reflect upon our relationships. But my goal this year and my challenge to you is to go deeper than just remembrance and really reflect and examine how healthy Our relationships are. Don’t allow another valentines day to arrive finding you rushing around at the last minute making dinner arrangements or that eleventh hour Wal-Mart run to pick up the fluffy toy that says “you’re cute” when you squeeze it. These are the Valentines Day obligations that we do just to make sure that we measure up to societies standards (and the expectations of our spouses.) But do these gestures really convey depth in our relationships or do they merely give us a facade of something that is not really there? This may make us feel better about “not forgetting valentines day” but how do these rituals really edify our relationships?

I want to attempt in my next several blogs to challenge us to go deeper in our relationships. Not just in our marriage relationships but in all of our relationships. I will suggest several ways that we can do this and challenge our thinking in areas where we may believe that we are already enjoying deep relationships. I hope you get something out of it.

RELATIONSHIPS: GOING DEEPER.

TAKING INVENTORY

I think that we all struggle with depth in our relationships. I know I do maybe more than anything else in my life. Everything in life that matters has its essence in relationships. The level of effectiveness in every area of your life can be measured by the level of effectiveness in your relationships. So what is our attitude toward our relationships? It’s time to take inventory of our relationships.

Think about your relationship with your spouse, children, parents and friends. Do you really have deep relationships or are they just pseudo relationships merely existing on the surface only?


DEFINING DEPTH IN RELATIONSHIPS (TRUTH TELLING)


Eph 4:15 says “But speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head Christ.” Speaking the truth in love is essential to deep relationships. As this verse says, when we speak the truth in love we mature and grow up and so do our relationships. The verse further indicates that when we speak the truth in love we are becoming more like Christ because He speaks the truth in love. Being able to tell each other the truth in a loving way is the hallmark of a deep relationship. But I bet if you really think about it there are precious few people in your life that you can be completely honest with. There aren’t many in mine. There is always something we are holding back.

So now that we have defined a deep relationship as one in which we can tell each other the truth in a free and gracious way how do we arrive at that place in our relationships? Well, let’s first discuss the importance of relationships.


WHY ARE RELATIONSHIPS SO IMPORTANT?


Why is depth in relationships so important? Not only is depth in relationship important for our own personal growth and health but relationship is at the core of everything. Society is built on relationships. It starts with the relationship of a man and a woman and then branches out to children and a family then to a community and then a nation. If relationships, which is the content and glue that keeps all of these Human institutions together, are not deep then it should be no surprise to us that society is falling apart in front of our eyes.

Jesus built His Church, the most powerful force on the Planet today, on the foundation of relationship. Let’s see what He tells His disciples near the end of His life after he spent three years developing a relationship with them. John 15:15. “No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My father I have made known to you.”

I want to point out a couple of things about this verse. Jesus said this at the last supper. It was at the end of His time with His disciples. He told them after three years of living with them and experiencing life together that they were His friends. Relationships take time they cannot be rushed.

He entrusted these men (a band of friends) to build the church, to write the New Testament and to preach the Gospel to the known world at that time. What was the foundation? Did they have seminary degrees? Were they knighted in some formal ceremony? No, He said you are my friends. I have poured myself into you now go and change the world (Mathew 28:19,20 The great Commission) This was a simple statement to friends but the outcome changed History. The whole movement, the church, the beginning of it all was based on this friendship Jesus had with these 12 men.