Ok, Here's the last installment in this series on relationships. Have a great Valentines Day tomorrow and remember to try to really connect to the people in your life. Here's some ways that I believe can help us do that.
HOW DO WE GO DEEPER?
1. GO DEEPER INTO YOURSELF FIRST.
Self analysis is where going deeper in our relationships begins. What is there inside of me that is preventing me from going deeper in my relationships? What roadblocks are keeping me from opening up and letting people in? What is holding me back from being real with people? These are the self analytical questions that will form the foundation of your relationship building process.
There’s an old saying that I’m sure you’ve heard before… “ People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Do you and I genuinely care about people or do we really just want them to care about us and meet our needs? Do we truly love people or do we just want them to measure up to our standards? It’s easy for all of us to inadvertently use people to define us, approve of us and meet our needs. This is manipulation not true relationship.
Here are some more questions to ponder:
Are we only comfortable around people who are like us or who share certain common interests?
Do we constantly surround ourselves with people who make us feel good about ourselves?
Do we have certain requirements that we have already predetermined in our minds that we apply to whether or not we are going to like a certain person? For instance:
I like hyper people.
I don’t like hyper people.
I don’t get along with introverts.
I hate control freaks.
People have to make me laugh to be good friends with me.
Usually we are our own worst enemies when it comes to developing deep relationships. Nobody can measure up to our endless and impossible standards. We have to be able to recognize that we do this on a subconscious level on purpose to keep people at arms length. We must recognize our own self sabotaging. We need to embrace the reality that we are afraid of deep relationships. It’s imperative that we deal with the fears in our own lives first.
How do you view people? Are people a means to end for you? Do you endlessly seek people’s approval? Do people’s opinions of you define who you are?
We have to truly ask ourselves who our source is. Is it God or other people? People were not meant to be your source. Only God can fulfill that role in your life. If we are getting our deep emotional needs for identity, approval and definition met by God then we don’t have to try to get that from others. Other people can’t give it to you anyway because they don’t have that ability. So when we are putting those kinds of expectations and pressure on relationships it’s no wonder they crumble and cannot go deep.
PEOPLE CANNOT MEET OUR DEEPEST NEEDS!!!! It’s that simple. Write it down. People meet needs in our lives but our deep needs are only and can only be met by God.
Are we spending time with God? Are we in His word? Are we allowing His Holy Spirit to define us and give us our identity?
In many of our relationships we stay on the surface levels of role playing and expectations. This is what I call the “shoulds.” There is the way it is and the way it should be and the way it is wins every time. The way it is, is reality, the way it should be is fantasy. In fact, when the way it should be comes to pass it is no longer a should but a reality so in reality “shoulds” are never reality.
She’s my wife so she should do this or be this way.
He’s my leader he should be this way or do these things or talk like this.
She’s my daughter and she should do these things or those things.
We sacrifice real deep relationships for the illusion of relationship which is role playing. Doing all the things we are supposed to do socially or culturally and expecting everyone to keep playing those roles instead of trying to discover who someone really is and why they are the way they are.
When we are able to stop trying to make people into our own molds and we stop trying to get our needs met from others then we can truly go deeper in our relationships. Depth in our relationships becomes a discovery that we share together. Getting to know each other, being there for each other and experiencing life together not using each other, or judging each other but really truly loving each other.
2. Listen More, Speak less.
Did you ever wonder why God gave us two ears and only one mouth? Because we should listen more than we should speak. I’m not talking about the appearance of listening or relying on gimmicks to give the impression of listening but genuinely listening. Not thinking about the next thing you are going to say or wondering when the conversation will turn back to you but really just listening.
Since I have been living in Panama in a new culture learning my second language (Spanish) I have been forced to listen in order to understand. This goes against my nature. It’s not easy for me.
David Augsburger said “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
Proverbs 10:19 “In a multitude of words sin is not lacking but he who restrains his lips is wise.”
Proverbs 4:7 says, “wisdom is the principal thing therefore get wisdom and in all your getting get understanding.” Do we listen to understand or just so that we can answer? Do we try to understand the deeper roots underneath why people act the way they do? Do we try to understand who they are?
3. DEEP RELATIONSHIPS TAKE TIME TO DEVELOP
“The time you invest to deeply understand the people you love brings tremendous dividends in open communication. Many of the problems that plague families and marriages simply don’t have time to fester and develop.” Steven Covey in “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”
Deep relationships happen they cannot be fabricated. We need to pro actively take an approach to relationships in which we create opportunities for going deeper to occur. You cannot force, fabricate or fake deep moments. They have to happen on their own as a result of time invested as well as attention, care and trust applied. When two people know that they can trust each other and they know that the other person cares then depth occurs.
This is difficult. It’s easier to stay on the surface. We have our face book pals that we only have face value or surface level relationships with. We text all day long and really don’t say anything of depth about ourselves or ask anything of depth about others because it is easier and more comfortable not to. It doesn’t take as much time and most importantly there is no risk of rejection. But we have to get real and face the fact that these are not authentic relationships. They are pseudo relationships.
Are you too busy to have deep relationships? Are you too busy doing things with people and “having fun” that you don’t have time to really know people in your life and to be known? Real deep relationships take time to develop. You can’t generate them out of thin air.
We can get like this in the church can’t we? We can become so program oriented and activity driven that we do all these things together and we talk about all the things we do together but we don’t talk to each other. We don’t talk about ourselves to each other. We don’t talk about anything deep. We talk about our shared experiences. We talk about movies or politics or shared interests but we don’t talk about who we are or how we feel about much of anything.
Husband’s (I am a husband this includes me) when was the last time you took your wife out to dinner or had a quiet evening at home with her and really talked to her and listened to her and talked about each other? I’m not talking about just doing a date night because if you really don’t have anything to say to each other then date nights become obligatory and routine. I’m talking about talking about…not your job, not even the kids but her and You!!! And all the ladies said amen!!! That sounds scary doesn’t it? Especially as men we don’t know what to say to our wives half the time.
We need to create time for deep relationships. Have you ever called a friend and said let’s go out to eat just you and me? With no special reason, event, context or activity but just to be together and talk?
4. Ask better questions to go deeper.
Now that you have set aside some time to build relationship and you are in your non scripted, non event oriented environment, what do you say? This can be a bit tricky. Ask people questions. Get them talking about themselves but at a certain point ask them things like…
• How does that make you feel?
• What is that like?
• Tell me more about that.
• That must be very difficult for you.
• What is your opinion about this or that.
We have to be careful not to do this in an evasive or inappropriate way. You have to be comfortable with people first and they have to be comfortable with you. We are talking about going deeper with the relationships that we already have.
5. BE INTENTIONAL
If we want deep relationships then we have to initiate the process. If we want to be understood then we have to first be a person who seeks to understand others. If we want to be known then we have to show interest in knowing others. If we want friends then we have to be a friend. If we can forget about ourselves long enough to truly care about and know someone else then we have already taken the first step into deeper relationships. It’s not all about us.
Start today with the people who are already in your life. Start by asking deeper questions, creating more time, making sure your motives are right, spending more time with God so that you do not need to try to get your needs met from others. It starts with you making a decision to go deeper.
WHO DO YOU PURSUE DEEP RELATIONSHIPS WITH?
Not everyone. I’m not advocating that you should try to develop deep relationships with fifty people or that you need to have this level of depth with everyone you know. There are some people in our lives that we need to be a certain thing to a teacher or a mentor or an acquaintance. There are some natural limitations to who you can go deep with. Many people aren’t ready. Also, unless you are married I would not suggest trying to go deeper in your relationships with someone of the opposite sex. I have heard people say that you are lucky if you have one true friend you’re entire life. I think that in many cases that is true but I do not think we need to settle for that. If we are intentional and proactive we should be trying to go as deep as we can with as many appropriate relationships that we have.
There are the obvious ones, husbands and wives, parents and children. When it comes to friends it is not always as clear. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in this endeavor. Ask God to bring people into your life with whom you can have this level of relationship. Ask God to lead you as you are with various people. What stage are they at? What stage are you at?
I do believe that we can go deeper with everyone to some extent. Not everyone can be your best friend but we can get more serious about our relationships and go deeper than our current level with just about everyone in our lives.
Don’t just settle for the illusion or the appearance of deep relationships. Don’t be afraid to lock arms with the people in your lives. Not just hold hands but lock arms. Let’s make a commitment in our hearts to go deeper.
February 13, 2009
February 12, 2009
Going Deeper In Relationships part 3
You know here in Panama Valentines day is not just the celebration of Romantic relationships. The holiday here is called "Dia Del Amor y La Amistad" which means day of love and friendship. I thought that was interesting as in the states the day has become a commercial giant focused mainly on Romance. While romance is certainly important in a marriage relationship a strong marriage cannot exist on romance alone. Part of what I want to discuss in this blog is the importance of friendship as the foundation and stuffing of every successfully deep relationship.
THE VALUE OF FRIENDSHIPS
Godly friendships are the most valuable thing on this planet second to our relationship with God. Every relationship is at it’s best when it becomes a friendship. Friendship is the essence of deep relationships.
When my wife and I first got married we didn’t know each other that well and we did not have time to develop a friendship first. So not only were we from different cultures and speak different languages (Marielena is Panamanian) but we also were not friends first. The first couple of years of our marriage were difficult to say the least. It’s still hard and to be honest it’s only by the grace of God that we are still together. But success has come in our relationship when we have put away the “should’s” about what a wife "should" be or what a husband "should" be and we just “be” friends.
You "go" deeper. You do not push for depth and you cannot fabricate depth in relationships. The deep things are already there inside of you, the other person, the word of God, life itself and truth. Depth is already there. Going deeper in our relationships entails plunging those depths with another person not trying to create some kind of false depth. Deep relationships are like going scuba diving with another person, going beneath the surface and discovering together.
WHAT ARE WE AFRAID OF?
The first step to going deeper is admitting to ourselves the embarrassing reality that we are afraid to go deeper in our relationships. It doesn’t matter what your temperament or personality or culture is you as a Human being are afraid of deep relationships. You may be a people person or even the life of the party but you are inherently, in your Human nature, still afraid of deep relationships.
It’s like the child who is afraid to swim in the deep end of the pool but won’t admit it. The only way that he will ever plunge those depths is to first admit that he is afraid. Unless he does this he will continue to simply avoid going in to the deep end of the pool.
We lost our natural ability for intimacy in the Garden of Eden. Let’s take a look at GEN: 3:8-10. “And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees in the garden. Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him “where are you?” So he said “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself.”
After Adam and Eve sinned they heard the sound of God walking in the garden in the cool of the day. Now this was a sound they were familiar with because they recognized that it was God when they heard it. The Bible does not indicate this directly but they must have been familiar with walking with Him in the cool of the day and communing with Him. But when they heard Him on this day Adam’s response was one of fear and he said something very significant …“I hid myself because I was naked and ashamed”.
We hide from the disclosure and exposure that deep relationships bring just like our first father did. Now we have to work and fight for depth in relationships. Genuine depth in relationships is not natural for us as Human beings.
Deep relationships are not automatic either. We have to be intentional about overcoming our own fears, insecurities and reluctance to let people get close to us. And at the same time we must be intentional about gradually and slowly proving to others who have the same fears and insecurities that they can trust us. Make no mistake this approach to relationships takes a great deal of work to be sure.
THE VALUE OF FRIENDSHIPS
Godly friendships are the most valuable thing on this planet second to our relationship with God. Every relationship is at it’s best when it becomes a friendship. Friendship is the essence of deep relationships.
When my wife and I first got married we didn’t know each other that well and we did not have time to develop a friendship first. So not only were we from different cultures and speak different languages (Marielena is Panamanian) but we also were not friends first. The first couple of years of our marriage were difficult to say the least. It’s still hard and to be honest it’s only by the grace of God that we are still together. But success has come in our relationship when we have put away the “should’s” about what a wife "should" be or what a husband "should" be and we just “be” friends.
You "go" deeper. You do not push for depth and you cannot fabricate depth in relationships. The deep things are already there inside of you, the other person, the word of God, life itself and truth. Depth is already there. Going deeper in our relationships entails plunging those depths with another person not trying to create some kind of false depth. Deep relationships are like going scuba diving with another person, going beneath the surface and discovering together.
WHAT ARE WE AFRAID OF?
The first step to going deeper is admitting to ourselves the embarrassing reality that we are afraid to go deeper in our relationships. It doesn’t matter what your temperament or personality or culture is you as a Human being are afraid of deep relationships. You may be a people person or even the life of the party but you are inherently, in your Human nature, still afraid of deep relationships.
It’s like the child who is afraid to swim in the deep end of the pool but won’t admit it. The only way that he will ever plunge those depths is to first admit that he is afraid. Unless he does this he will continue to simply avoid going in to the deep end of the pool.
We lost our natural ability for intimacy in the Garden of Eden. Let’s take a look at GEN: 3:8-10. “And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees in the garden. Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him “where are you?” So he said “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself.”
After Adam and Eve sinned they heard the sound of God walking in the garden in the cool of the day. Now this was a sound they were familiar with because they recognized that it was God when they heard it. The Bible does not indicate this directly but they must have been familiar with walking with Him in the cool of the day and communing with Him. But when they heard Him on this day Adam’s response was one of fear and he said something very significant …“I hid myself because I was naked and ashamed”.
We hide from the disclosure and exposure that deep relationships bring just like our first father did. Now we have to work and fight for depth in relationships. Genuine depth in relationships is not natural for us as Human beings.
Deep relationships are not automatic either. We have to be intentional about overcoming our own fears, insecurities and reluctance to let people get close to us. And at the same time we must be intentional about gradually and slowly proving to others who have the same fears and insecurities that they can trust us. Make no mistake this approach to relationships takes a great deal of work to be sure.
February 11, 2009
Going deeper In Relationships part 2
Hello again, Hope all is well out there. Here are some more thoughts on developing deep relationships in our lives.
ARE WE REALLY CONNECTED?
Stats: 90% of all American Students have cell phones
85% on facebook
95% on internet.
150 Million people world wide are facebook users
These stats are from Steve Douglas The President of Campus Crusade For Christ International. These are mainly statistics that reflect the habits of university students but I think that this cross section is representative of our society as a whole. We are the most “connected” generation of all time but do we really have deep relationships? Are we really any closer on a genuine relational level? Maybe we are further apart then we ever have been because these technologies give us the sense or appearance of connectedness many times at the expense of genuine depth in relationship. In fact, if we pour ourselves into checking our emails, texting each other and updating face book then our energy may be diverted away from generating and maintaining real deep relationships.
Do we really think that our "Twitters" and our cryptic text languages equate real interaction and connection with each other? Not that these applications are necessarily bad but we really have to ask ourselves the question does it mean that I am truly more connected because I have conversations with people about what I ate for dinner or what I did today? These applications, in my opinion, just expand the breadth of our networks but do nothing to extend the depth of our individual relationships. Now I'm not saying that there aren't people out there on the net who start at this level and go deeper. But true depth in relationship now, as has been the case for thousands of years before the WWW, comes when people make the conscious decision to explore that depth. When true depth is sought out and explored people break away from the superficial sarcasm that floods the social utility world and meet together for coffee or pick up the phone and have a real conversation.
We all have relationships. That’s not the question I want to examine today. The question I want to probe is do we have deep relationships? We can know all the stats and figures and history of somebody but still not really know them. Men and women are historically known for not really getting each other.
So many books have been written about this subject maybe you recognize some of these titles. “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” Or the latest one that I still want to get “Men are boxes, women are spaghetti.” These titles and all kinds of other media demonstrations are pervasive with this sense and maybe even frustration we have with the reality that we don’t really understand each other all that well.
Do we really know each other? Not just men and women but all of us as people in general. Going deeper in our relationships is a quest and a commitment to really know each other. Do we really do that? Do we really want to? Do we really want others to really know us? These are difficult questions that must be asked.
DEFINING GOING DEEPER
What are your relationships based on?
Common interests or doing things together (men)
Secret keeping
Role playing
Loyalty
Having fun (laughing together)
Obligations, commitments
These things aren't bad ingredients to have in a relationship. The problem is that all too often these things are the relationship. In other words these characteristics take the place of true depth. Rather than being the fruit or the result of solid relationships they become the substance and overall purpose of our relationships.
We have so many platitudes and descriptions of what meaningful relationships should be. And expectations, I love it when I hear single people describe their idea of a perfect marriage in simple terms like “I want a husband who I can laugh with” or “I want a wife that looks like a supermodel.” Marriage and any significant relationship is much more complicated than just platitudes, expectations and descriptions.
What does it mean to go deeper in relationships? Notice I used the phrase "Going Deeper" as my title. Relationships are organic. They cannot be forced or rushed. They have to grow and develop and evolve organically. They are living.
Let’s consider Ephesians 4:16 “From whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does it’s share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.” Paul refers to the Church of Christ as a living organic body made up of real people. A body is a living thing not a mechanical system. It has systems and it has organization in order to perform and function correctly but it is first and foremost living. In our relationships we can only go deeper together.
Going deep is an effort made by both parties in a relationship. It is a locking of arms and a commitment to discover, explore and experience life together. It only comes as a result of time and intentionality. It does not happen by quick clicks of the mouse or texting shallow little messages to each other constantly.
Now, I think that forwards are OK when they are useful but some people never send a real email they just send forwards. We try to force connection with gimmicks, “email this forward to ten people in the next ten minutes or the chain will be broken.” Genuine relationships can not be forced.
Real deep relationships are formed when two people lock arms and are heading in the same direction. This is a much better visual of true depth in relationships than the joining of hands. When you’re arms are locked your hearts are connected. let’s ponder Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 especially vs 12. “two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall one will lift up His companion, but woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again if two lie down together they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
These verses outline the obvious advantages of deep relationships. We are stronger together than alone. We all understand that. But let’s look at vs. 12… “A threefold cord cannot be broken.” The threefold cord is you the other person and God. A deep relationship is about connecting, interconnecting, locking arms and having a common battle to fight. And when God is the third cord the relationship is strong enough to withstand anything.
ARE WE REALLY CONNECTED?
Stats: 90% of all American Students have cell phones
85% on facebook
95% on internet.
150 Million people world wide are facebook users
These stats are from Steve Douglas The President of Campus Crusade For Christ International. These are mainly statistics that reflect the habits of university students but I think that this cross section is representative of our society as a whole. We are the most “connected” generation of all time but do we really have deep relationships? Are we really any closer on a genuine relational level? Maybe we are further apart then we ever have been because these technologies give us the sense or appearance of connectedness many times at the expense of genuine depth in relationship. In fact, if we pour ourselves into checking our emails, texting each other and updating face book then our energy may be diverted away from generating and maintaining real deep relationships.
Do we really think that our "Twitters" and our cryptic text languages equate real interaction and connection with each other? Not that these applications are necessarily bad but we really have to ask ourselves the question does it mean that I am truly more connected because I have conversations with people about what I ate for dinner or what I did today? These applications, in my opinion, just expand the breadth of our networks but do nothing to extend the depth of our individual relationships. Now I'm not saying that there aren't people out there on the net who start at this level and go deeper. But true depth in relationship now, as has been the case for thousands of years before the WWW, comes when people make the conscious decision to explore that depth. When true depth is sought out and explored people break away from the superficial sarcasm that floods the social utility world and meet together for coffee or pick up the phone and have a real conversation.
We all have relationships. That’s not the question I want to examine today. The question I want to probe is do we have deep relationships? We can know all the stats and figures and history of somebody but still not really know them. Men and women are historically known for not really getting each other.
So many books have been written about this subject maybe you recognize some of these titles. “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” Or the latest one that I still want to get “Men are boxes, women are spaghetti.” These titles and all kinds of other media demonstrations are pervasive with this sense and maybe even frustration we have with the reality that we don’t really understand each other all that well.
Do we really know each other? Not just men and women but all of us as people in general. Going deeper in our relationships is a quest and a commitment to really know each other. Do we really do that? Do we really want to? Do we really want others to really know us? These are difficult questions that must be asked.
DEFINING GOING DEEPER
What are your relationships based on?
Common interests or doing things together (men)
Secret keeping
Role playing
Loyalty
Having fun (laughing together)
Obligations, commitments
These things aren't bad ingredients to have in a relationship. The problem is that all too often these things are the relationship. In other words these characteristics take the place of true depth. Rather than being the fruit or the result of solid relationships they become the substance and overall purpose of our relationships.
We have so many platitudes and descriptions of what meaningful relationships should be. And expectations, I love it when I hear single people describe their idea of a perfect marriage in simple terms like “I want a husband who I can laugh with” or “I want a wife that looks like a supermodel.” Marriage and any significant relationship is much more complicated than just platitudes, expectations and descriptions.
What does it mean to go deeper in relationships? Notice I used the phrase "Going Deeper" as my title. Relationships are organic. They cannot be forced or rushed. They have to grow and develop and evolve organically. They are living.
Let’s consider Ephesians 4:16 “From whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does it’s share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.” Paul refers to the Church of Christ as a living organic body made up of real people. A body is a living thing not a mechanical system. It has systems and it has organization in order to perform and function correctly but it is first and foremost living. In our relationships we can only go deeper together.
Going deep is an effort made by both parties in a relationship. It is a locking of arms and a commitment to discover, explore and experience life together. It only comes as a result of time and intentionality. It does not happen by quick clicks of the mouse or texting shallow little messages to each other constantly.
Now, I think that forwards are OK when they are useful but some people never send a real email they just send forwards. We try to force connection with gimmicks, “email this forward to ten people in the next ten minutes or the chain will be broken.” Genuine relationships can not be forced.
Real deep relationships are formed when two people lock arms and are heading in the same direction. This is a much better visual of true depth in relationships than the joining of hands. When you’re arms are locked your hearts are connected. let’s ponder Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 especially vs 12. “two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall one will lift up His companion, but woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again if two lie down together they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
These verses outline the obvious advantages of deep relationships. We are stronger together than alone. We all understand that. But let’s look at vs. 12… “A threefold cord cannot be broken.” The threefold cord is you the other person and God. A deep relationship is about connecting, interconnecting, locking arms and having a common battle to fight. And when God is the third cord the relationship is strong enough to withstand anything.
February 9, 2009
Going Deeper in relationships
Ah February, the month when we are thinking about love and relationships and all things gooey and smushy. There, now that I have made my mandatory joke (which is indicative of my discomfort with relationships) we can move beyond the disclaimer. In all seriousness, I do think that Valentines Day is a great time of year to reflect upon our relationships. But my goal this year and my challenge to you is to go deeper than just remembrance and really reflect and examine how healthy Our relationships are. Don’t allow another valentines day to arrive finding you rushing around at the last minute making dinner arrangements or that eleventh hour Wal-Mart run to pick up the fluffy toy that says “you’re cute” when you squeeze it. These are the Valentines Day obligations that we do just to make sure that we measure up to societies standards (and the expectations of our spouses.) But do these gestures really convey depth in our relationships or do they merely give us a facade of something that is not really there? This may make us feel better about “not forgetting valentines day” but how do these rituals really edify our relationships?
I want to attempt in my next several blogs to challenge us to go deeper in our relationships. Not just in our marriage relationships but in all of our relationships. I will suggest several ways that we can do this and challenge our thinking in areas where we may believe that we are already enjoying deep relationships. I hope you get something out of it.
RELATIONSHIPS: GOING DEEPER.
TAKING INVENTORY
I think that we all struggle with depth in our relationships. I know I do maybe more than anything else in my life. Everything in life that matters has its essence in relationships. The level of effectiveness in every area of your life can be measured by the level of effectiveness in your relationships. So what is our attitude toward our relationships? It’s time to take inventory of our relationships.
Think about your relationship with your spouse, children, parents and friends. Do you really have deep relationships or are they just pseudo relationships merely existing on the surface only?
DEFINING DEPTH IN RELATIONSHIPS (TRUTH TELLING)
Eph 4:15 says “But speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head Christ.” Speaking the truth in love is essential to deep relationships. As this verse says, when we speak the truth in love we mature and grow up and so do our relationships. The verse further indicates that when we speak the truth in love we are becoming more like Christ because He speaks the truth in love. Being able to tell each other the truth in a loving way is the hallmark of a deep relationship. But I bet if you really think about it there are precious few people in your life that you can be completely honest with. There aren’t many in mine. There is always something we are holding back.
So now that we have defined a deep relationship as one in which we can tell each other the truth in a free and gracious way how do we arrive at that place in our relationships? Well, let’s first discuss the importance of relationships.
WHY ARE RELATIONSHIPS SO IMPORTANT?
Why is depth in relationships so important? Not only is depth in relationship important for our own personal growth and health but relationship is at the core of everything. Society is built on relationships. It starts with the relationship of a man and a woman and then branches out to children and a family then to a community and then a nation. If relationships, which is the content and glue that keeps all of these Human institutions together, are not deep then it should be no surprise to us that society is falling apart in front of our eyes.
Jesus built His Church, the most powerful force on the Planet today, on the foundation of relationship. Let’s see what He tells His disciples near the end of His life after he spent three years developing a relationship with them. John 15:15. “No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My father I have made known to you.”
I want to point out a couple of things about this verse. Jesus said this at the last supper. It was at the end of His time with His disciples. He told them after three years of living with them and experiencing life together that they were His friends. Relationships take time they cannot be rushed.
He entrusted these men (a band of friends) to build the church, to write the New Testament and to preach the Gospel to the known world at that time. What was the foundation? Did they have seminary degrees? Were they knighted in some formal ceremony? No, He said you are my friends. I have poured myself into you now go and change the world (Mathew 28:19,20 The great Commission) This was a simple statement to friends but the outcome changed History. The whole movement, the church, the beginning of it all was based on this friendship Jesus had with these 12 men.
I want to attempt in my next several blogs to challenge us to go deeper in our relationships. Not just in our marriage relationships but in all of our relationships. I will suggest several ways that we can do this and challenge our thinking in areas where we may believe that we are already enjoying deep relationships. I hope you get something out of it.
RELATIONSHIPS: GOING DEEPER.
TAKING INVENTORY
I think that we all struggle with depth in our relationships. I know I do maybe more than anything else in my life. Everything in life that matters has its essence in relationships. The level of effectiveness in every area of your life can be measured by the level of effectiveness in your relationships. So what is our attitude toward our relationships? It’s time to take inventory of our relationships.
Think about your relationship with your spouse, children, parents and friends. Do you really have deep relationships or are they just pseudo relationships merely existing on the surface only?
DEFINING DEPTH IN RELATIONSHIPS (TRUTH TELLING)
Eph 4:15 says “But speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head Christ.” Speaking the truth in love is essential to deep relationships. As this verse says, when we speak the truth in love we mature and grow up and so do our relationships. The verse further indicates that when we speak the truth in love we are becoming more like Christ because He speaks the truth in love. Being able to tell each other the truth in a loving way is the hallmark of a deep relationship. But I bet if you really think about it there are precious few people in your life that you can be completely honest with. There aren’t many in mine. There is always something we are holding back.
So now that we have defined a deep relationship as one in which we can tell each other the truth in a free and gracious way how do we arrive at that place in our relationships? Well, let’s first discuss the importance of relationships.
WHY ARE RELATIONSHIPS SO IMPORTANT?
Why is depth in relationships so important? Not only is depth in relationship important for our own personal growth and health but relationship is at the core of everything. Society is built on relationships. It starts with the relationship of a man and a woman and then branches out to children and a family then to a community and then a nation. If relationships, which is the content and glue that keeps all of these Human institutions together, are not deep then it should be no surprise to us that society is falling apart in front of our eyes.
Jesus built His Church, the most powerful force on the Planet today, on the foundation of relationship. Let’s see what He tells His disciples near the end of His life after he spent three years developing a relationship with them. John 15:15. “No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My father I have made known to you.”
I want to point out a couple of things about this verse. Jesus said this at the last supper. It was at the end of His time with His disciples. He told them after three years of living with them and experiencing life together that they were His friends. Relationships take time they cannot be rushed.
He entrusted these men (a band of friends) to build the church, to write the New Testament and to preach the Gospel to the known world at that time. What was the foundation? Did they have seminary degrees? Were they knighted in some formal ceremony? No, He said you are my friends. I have poured myself into you now go and change the world (Mathew 28:19,20 The great Commission) This was a simple statement to friends but the outcome changed History. The whole movement, the church, the beginning of it all was based on this friendship Jesus had with these 12 men.
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